Why Ask for Help

It is often difficult to ask for help. The most important time to ask for help, and often the most complicated time, is when you are a caregiver. It is normal to feel like you need to do everything yourself; as a society we place a high value on the unrealistic goal of doing it all alone. However, asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure; it is instead an act of wisdom. After all, you’re not going to be your best as a caregiver when you end up tired, feeling resentful, hurt, and used.

Because asking for help is something people aren’t used to, or are even a little afraid of, they often have not developed the skills (yes, skills) needed to ask for help. This is the beginning of a series of articles to help you develop those skills and get the help you need.

Not Asking for Help Can Impact Your Health

Any professional working with caregivers, as well as any friend of a caregiver, will enthusiastically agree that caregivers should be given help. No one can do it alone. Personal observation, as well as ample research, consistently reveals serious consequences for caregivers who do not take time to care for themselves. According to a recent study published by the National Family Caregivers Association and Fortis Long-Term Care, 61 percent of caregivers report depression (this is six times the national average), 51 percent sleeplessness, 41 percent back pain, 24 percent stomach disorders, 12 percent headaches, and 7 percent colds.

Reject These Common Myths

That being said, why is it so hard for caregivers to acknowledge and ask for help? Let us examine some of the myths of caregiving that prevent people from getting the help they need and deserve.

I should be able to do this by myself.

Perfectionism has reached the level of a disease in our culture. Perfectionists believe that not only should they do it all themselves, they should also do it with a smile on their face and joy in their heart. This is a fantasy. Everyone feels the crush of conflicting demands on time, energy, and psyche. Everyone feels anger and resentment when pushed beyond their limits. This anger and resentment are healthy signs that you value yourself as a person.

No one can be a caregiver alone. When Hillary Clinton wrote about raising children she said, “It takes a village.” This phrase is just as true when it comes to caring for the elderly. It is likely that you will spend more years of your life caring for an elder than you will rearing children. In fact, the average woman will spend 18 years of her life caring for an elderly relative. Children become more independent as they get older. Unfortunately, the opposite is true in most elder care situations. Furthermore, recent and future cutbacks in government programs for the elderly are forcing more elder care responsibilities on families. It does “take a village” to take care of an elderly person.

No one can do it the way I do. The person I care for will be upset and may even get hurt.

It is true that no one can do it exactly the way you do. However, you can find a substitute who will care for the person in a different way. This does not mean that you should find any substitute or that a poor substitute will suffice. It is important to decide which qualities in a substitute caregiver are the most important to you and which ones are open for compromise. Take the time to write this exercise down. Perhaps this person interacts with the elder in a different way or does not keep the house as clean as you would prefer. The important thing is that the person is safe and is treated with dignity and respect.

It is also true that the person you are caring for may indeed prefer, and even strongly prefer, you over other caregivers. In addition, yes, they may not be happy with you leaving to take a break and may even cause quite a scene. However, given that the substitute care you have arranged is appropriate and meets your safety standards, the person you are caring for may not be happy, but they will survive your absence.

It is selfish to ask for help.

I have heard this from many caregivers, either directly or indirectly, through their actions or lack of actions when asking for help. Usually, when I bring up the topic of asking for help in a support group I get a lot of sighs and heads bobbing that, yes, they certainly need help. Then I hear a litany of “Buts�” such as those just highlighted. What it boils down to is that the caregiver feels they do not deserve help and fears that they are being selfish, or will be perceived as being selfish, if they ask for help. Let’s lay to rest one of the biggest caregiving myths of all. It is not selfish to ask for time for yourself. In fact, asking for help is an important part of your duty as a caregiver.

The Energizer Bunny Does Not Live in Your House

As we all know, caregiving is a 24-hour-a-day, and some would say 36-hour-a-day, job. Nobody has the physical and/or mental endurance to stay this course. Unless you are the proverbial Energizer Bunny your batteries will wear out, leaving you dead in your tracks and the person you are caring for in one big bind. Taking time off to recharge and rejuvenate is necessary if you are to function for yet another day. Take time off to recharge your physical, emotional, and spiritual battery. Everyone, including you, will be grateful and better off for it.

Don’t Plan on the Battlefield

Asking for help and taking some time off will allow you to reflect on your caregiving situation and make arrangements for the person you are caring for. Often we get so swept up in the day-to-day realities and crisis of caregiving that we never have time to step back from the situation and analyze ways of doing it differently, perhaps in a way that saves significant time and energy. It is hard to plan in the heat of the battle.

The Bottom Line: Everyone Benefits When You Ask for Help

Asking for help is the only cure for caregiver burnout or meltdown. Asking for help is an important part of being a caregiver. You need to do it in order to remember that you are a person with wants, needs, desires, and rights. Only when you are aware of yourself as a person can you provide quality care to your elder. You need to do it to allow others to become involved in caregiving so that they can reap the benefits of giving to another person. You need to ask for help because you and your needs matter.

Why Ask for Help

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