Understanding Your Reaction to Loss
Shock, disbelief, despair, anger, depression, and relief are some of the reactions you can expect to feel when someone important to you dies or even when a relationship ends. The extent and duration of grief can vary greatly depending on the nature of the relationship and the circumstances that ended the relationship, such as death, divorce, or breaking up. The severity of the grief felt by survivors can vary depending on how close they were to the deceased and whether they perceive that the death occurred prematurely. For example, a child who provided constant care to an ailing parent is likely to feel more intense grief than a more distant relative who did not participate in the day-to-day care.
Researchers suggest that grief is experienced in four main stages. The first stage is a time of shock and disbelief, followed by the second stage when we feel the acute pain of loss. The third is characterized by anger and guilt, while recovery and reintegration make up the fourth and final stage. There may not be clear divisions between one stage and the next. Also, different people do not experience bereavement in exactly the same way. However, understanding the typical progression of grief can help us to understand the intense and sometimes conflicting emotions that we experience when we mourn. It can also help us support people we care about when they are bereaved.
It Can’t Be True!
When separation is sudden, as in the case of death or even when one partner suddenly announces they want to terminate the relationship, our immediate reaction is one of shock and disbelief. This stage is quite short, lasting from a few days to usually not more than a week. The shock is often experienced with physical symptoms such as upset stomach, headache, heart pounding, and breathlessness. The severity of these physical symptoms is a function of the unexpectedness of the event. The accompanying emotional shock is often described by those who have experienced it as numbness. In the case of death the funeral ritual often helps the bereaved to accept the loss and go on to the next stage.
The Anguish of Loss
As the shock passes and the bereaved person begins to accept what has happened, there is a period of intense emotional and often physical pain that surrounds the loss of the loved one. Many psychologists believe that this is a very necessary and helpful part of grieving. We are unlikely to accept the reality of loss until we can allow ourselves to give way to our suffering. Most survivors experience intense crying, restlessness, insomnia, poor appetite, and weight loss. The bereaved need a great deal of emotional support during this time. Since people find it difficult to share strong emotion, the mourner often does not get the support needed to get through this stage quickly. This stage can last from a few weeks to a few months. It is important that the mourner not be alone too much.
Feeling Deserted
Anger and guilt are usually the main emotions we experience during the third stage. In some cases the anger is directed toward the deceased or the “one who has abandoned me.” Sometimes it is vented on others, especially family and friends or those associated with the final separation. Religious people may express their anger with God for letting this happen. Anger is an emotion that many people find problematic at any time. As mourners, we may feel guilty about feeling angry with someone who has died. We are likely to feel confused and ashamed, and we may become depressed and withdrawn, especially if we cannot admit and express these feelings openly. While those near us can play an important role in encouraging us to express our emotions openly, they should be aware that they themselves may become objects of our anger. During this stage, the bereaved may alienate the people they need most. Some people lapse into a state of chronic mourning and should have professional therapy to work through this stage so they can progress to the last stage where reintegration begins.
Recovery and Reintegration
With the most intense time of grieving behind us, we begin to feel again the rewards of living. The emotional energy invested in the past relationship must now be reinvested in new ones. When we look for comfort in a new relationship, we risk rejection as well. We can be easily hurt and may find the process of forming new bonds particularly difficult. Family and friends can find this transition difficult to accept. They too have suffered a loss. The survivor needs to recognize that the process of forming a new relationship may be interpreted as being disloyal to the deceased. This may cause conflict among the other survivors. This veiled feeling should be brought to the surface and talked about.
In time, the bereaved can look back with a great deal of pleasure and recall the happy and humorous aspects of the relationship. We may feel a sense of loss even when new relationships give us joy and comfort — each person is unique, so we lose something irreplaceable when someone we love dies or leaves us — but the predominant feelings will be happiness and thankfulness for the times we shared.
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