Enjoying your time with your care recipient
Mary loves her mother, Anne. Her mother has been a good, kind person all of her life. She has worked hard, raised a family, and never uttered a cruel or mean word about anyone or anything.
But recently the love Mary feels for her mother seems to be, well, misplaced. And, Mary recalls quite clearly the event that caused her love to dim, just a little.
During the winter, Anne began suffering mini-strokes, and as a result of the mini-strokes, suffered cognitive impairments. She required constant supervision and was no longer able to live on her own, in her own home. Without hesitation, Mary moved her mother into her home.
For the first six months that Anne lived with her, Mary was able to relish the extra time spent with her mother. Although Anne was forgetful and sometimes uncommunicative, the two were still able to piece together good moments: to enjoy a good joke, share snips of family gossip, and bake a mean chocolate cake.
Until this summer. In July, Mary and her husband hoped to take a vacation. Nothing extravagant, just a long weekend (Friday morning through Monday afternoon) to a pretty resort town about three hours from their home. Mary spent almost a month working out care arrangements for Anne. Mary’s grown daughter would stay the weekend in their home; a home health aide would come every morning to assist Anne with her personal care; and on Friday and Monday, Anne would attend a local adult day care center.
Mary was comfortable with the arrangements. She explained to Anne on Thursday evening that she would be gone for a few days, but that Anne would be well taken care of. Although Mary wasn’t sure how much Anne really understand, Anne nodded and smiled gently at Mary: “You go,” she said in her broken English. “You go and enjoy yourself.”
But the next morning, Mary found a different Anne. Anne refused to speak English, instead reverting back to her native Italian. She refused to wash, dress or eat. As each minute passed, Mary became more and more despondent. Anne had to go to day care, she had to. If she didn’t, how would she and her husband start their vacation?
As the hours passed and Anne refused to budge from the living room couch, Mary lost her cool. “How can she do this to me?” She ranted to her husband in the kitchen. “How can she do this to me? We need to get away!”
Unfortunately, Mary and her husband cancelled their much-needed and well-deserved vacation. This weekend changed things for Mary. After this, Mary just couldn’t feel quite as joyful about her relationship with Anne.
What a frustrating situation! It’s hard to imagine that Mary could have done anything differently. Even worse, who’s to blame for this situation?
No one. Certainly, Mary did everything within her power to cover her bases. Unfortunately, Anne’s illness became center-stage; she probably suffered mini-strokes that Friday morning, accounting for her behavior change.
Sometimes our frustration at these unavoidable situations cause us to place blame, point the finger, tap a scapegoat. We would feel so much better if we could fault someone, anyone, when our day, or week, or year, goes awry because of our caregiving responsibilities. In particular, we want to blame the care recipient, even though they may be suffering as much we as are.
While these events may be short-lived (Anne may have awoken Saturday morning, back to her usual self), the effects can be long-lasting. For instance, Mary had treasured her relationship with Anne. They were mother and daughter, as well as good friends. But Mary’s inability to take a vacation soured her feelings for her mother. And, who wouldn’t resent the person who comes between you and a romantic getaway weekend?
Recognizing that these situations will happen will help you get through them when they do.
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