Caregivers Abused as Children Face Additional Challenges
Adult children are the most common caregivers of the elderly. Caregivers whose childhood included domestic violence or emotional abuse face additional challenges in caring for elderly parents. Being in a role beyond their limits can be stressful for adults abused as children and can also put the senior at risk of neglect or outright abuse. An honest appraisal of the potential caregiver’s strengths and vulnerabilities can help prevent problems for everyone.
Cycles of Abuse
Now in mid-life, the adult may want to live up to the expectation that children will care for their aging parents at home but also feel ambivalent about taking on the responsibility. There is good reason for these contradictory emotions. “Problems between a parent and child do not decrease with the passage of time; indeed, they may become intensified by the increasing dependency of the parent,” wrote Jordan Kosberg, Ph.D., in his article “Preventing elder abuse: Identification of high risk factors prior to placement decisions,” published in The Gerontologist. Dr. Kosberg, a researcher who looks at risk factors contributing to elder abuse, added, “Poor intergenerational relationships at an earlier period are an indication of potential problems in the present and future.”
Families confronting decisions about caring for elderly members grew up in a different culture. Physical punishment of children and domestic violence were often taken for granted. While adults who were abused vary widely in how they have been affected, one fact is certain: The adult will have learned the power of violence as a tool to resolve interpersonal conflict and may find it difficult to provide care for a dependent parent. Caregivers with a history of abuse are more inclined to retaliate physically or emotionally against the elderly parent for past mistreatment, enforce control over the parent/victim to misuse their assets and isolate the victim in order to prevent detection. Caregivers involved in such behavior frequently do not feel regret or remorse and attempt to blame the victim or others when confronted.
The Middle Generation’s Obligations
Mid-life adults who face the dual responsibilities of kids and aging parents have been nicknamed the “sandwich generation.” The pressures of this combination of loyalties sometimes lead them to make expedient decisions about care for their elderly parents. If a brother or sister agrees to assume the major responsibility, the other siblings usually feel grateful and may be less likely to look closely at the quality of care being given. Yet some adult children may lack empathy and be more focused on their own pain or potential advantages to themselves than on the needs of their parents.
In a worst-case scenario, these individuals may have other problems such as alcohol or drug abuse, unaddressed mental health problems and difficulty establishing meaningful relationships with their peers. If such individuals become caregivers for elderly parents and are in any way economically dependent on their parent(s), this can further aggravate the climate of hostility and contention.
Ignoring Trouble
One family of six was delighted when the youngest daughter willingly assumed financial management of their elderly confused mother. Over the years, the older children questioned some aspects of her care, such as why the roof couldn’t be fixed when Mom had the income to afford it. Little things, they thought. The sister rejected their offers of help and met their concerns with hostility. “If you don’t like how I’m doing it, you can do it yourself,” she told her siblings. Since they didn’t want to do it themselves, they backed off again and again — until their mother’s utilities were cut off, the money for her hearing aides disappeared and her mobile home went into foreclosure for back taxes. By then, it was difficult to trace where the money had gone, and Mom was too confused to recall specific misuses of her funds.
Ways for Family Members to Prevent Elder Mistreatment
To prevent elder abuse, non-care taking family members need to stay involved and informed. They should be particularly aware of changes in the parent’s health or well-being. No one family member should be given exclusive responsibility for financial or medical decisions unless the senior made a decision, prior to becoming impaired, to entrust these matters to that one person. The primary caregiver and senior need social interaction with others because isolation increases the risk of harm. Visiting other family members gives the senior an opportunity to discuss problems and ask for support.
In cases where elder abuse is suspected, a report should be made to the local adult protective services agency. A person making such a report does not need to be certain elder abuse is occurring; only a reasonable concern is needed to ask for an outside evaluation. The identity of the reporting party is confidential, allowing a concerned family member to trigger an investigation without recrimination from other members.
Are Abused Caregivers Who Have Had Therapy Fit for the Challenge?
Self-awareness can only improve the chances of positive caregiving for the middle-aged child and the elderly parent. Families can grow beyond the predicted cycle of violence if members put effort into changing the old patterns. Some adult children must protect themselves and their parents by never agreeing to assume a caregiving role. Such a decision must be respected and alternatives investigated. Other adult children feel they have overcome the effects of childhood abuse and are willing to respond to the needs of their elderly parents. If these caregivers are able to monitor their own emotional reactions, set limits when they need to and receive support from others, caregiving can become a rewarding and even a healing experience.
Leah’s Story
Leah’s childhood was chaotic and emotionally abusive. Her father disappeared and her mother blamed Leah because she had been a rebellious, challenging child. After leaving home, Leah struggled with life until she started to recover from alcoholism. Accepting emotional support in recovery, Leah began to reach out to others. She had had only sporadic contact with her mother for years but now wanted a closer relationship. She learned her mother was becoming frail and that her stepfather could not manage alone. Leah began to visit them regularly to monitor their care. Talking with her stepfather, Leah learned her mother was filled with guilt over Leah’s childhood but was too proud to express these feelings. Now that her mother needed Leah, the rebellious daughter was able to open the door to an emotional reconciliation. “I’ve missed being close to you all these years,” she told her mother, “and I’m glad I can show you now that I do care about you.” They cried over the past and agreed they had both made mistakes. Leah’s mother’s last years gave them time to become friends as adults and the past lost its power to keep them angry and isolated.
Conclusion
While each family is unique, research suggests abuse in a family’s past makes it more likely that an adult child will have problems caring adequately for an elderly parent. Means of preventing elder abuse and maintaining an emotionally healthy environment include:
- An honest appraisal of the potential caregiver’s strengths and vulnerabilities
- Involvement of more than one family member in monitoring the senior’s well-being
- Setting limits to care-taking by adults who have not recovered from abuse in the past
- Ongoing support for the caregiver, from friends, family, a therapist or a support group
- If a caretaker’s capacity is in question, adult protective services referrals are always an option
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