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I am about ready to lose my mind about my mother! She is becoming increasingly forgetful, and I am concerned about her safety. She is forgetting to pay her bills and almost had her electricity turned off. She is also calling me constantly asking me the same questions over and over. Yesterday she called me at work wanting to know when I was coming over for dinner. I explained that I was coming over on Friday, not today. She called me up again one hour later with the exact same question. I want to help her, and I feel she needs to see a doctor and get someone to live with her. However, every time I bring up the subject she yells at me and tells me to mind my own business! I don’t know what to do. Please help. - Sue

Dear Sue,

You are not alone in this problem. I have talked with so many caregivers in exactly this situation. It is very difficult to navigate between your parents’ right to make their own decisions and your concern about their safety. When you add possible dementia, the waters become even more murky. The first order of business is to get your mother a comprehensive geriatric evaluation. Some people believe that becoming forgetful is an inevitable and natural part of aging. I often hear, “Well of course she forgets. She’s 80 years old.”

There are some age-related changes in memory. However, what you are describing is NOT a natural part of aging and requires medical attention. One of the reasons that people are reluctant to go to the doctor is they believe they have Alzheimer’s disease. Alzheimer’s disease is the leading cause of dementia (problems in memory and other cognitive functions). However, forgetfulness, such as you are describing, can be a result of any number of curable conditions such as malnutrition, depression, and metabolic changes.

Your mother may be resisting going to the doctor for an evaluation because at some level she knows that she is becoming forgetful and is concerned about what this will mean. She may fear that this will mean that she will be put in a nursing home or that she will be abandoned.

A few suggestions for dealing with her resistance to your help include:

Do not try to argue with her using facts and logic. Instead, relate to her on a feeling level. Acknowledge her fears and concerns. Let her talk about how she feels, and share with her how you are feeling.
Do not make promises that you cannot or do not intend to keep. Do not deny that changes are going to occur. She may very well need help.
Involve her in the decision-making process as much as possible. Do not take over completely. Most people resist this approach, and there is no reason that older people should like it any better than younger people. One way of involving her in the process is to have her present when you call the doctor. Also, involve her in interviewing in home help and choosing the particular aide that will come to help her. Everyone wants some control over their lives.
Be patient with her and yourself. Recognize that this is an emotional situation for everyone. She does not want to be in this situation any more than you do. Also remember that you are not “superwoman.” You cannot be everything to everybody all of the time. Take breaks and take care of yourself.
Remember, caring for an aging relative is an emotional situation. It is normal to have any range of feelings from anger and sadness to a sense of accomplishment and love. However, if you find yourself becoming so overwhelmed that you are experiencing depression, rage, and an impaired ability to function, or if you feel that you are going to harm the person you are caring for, it is time to get help. Support groups, therapists, case managers, and various associations can be life savers in this situation.
Have resources prepared in advance. Your mother may not be ready to accept in home help or home-delivered meals at this time. However, you may be presented with “windows of opportunity” when she will be willing to accept help. Have the information ready so you can act quickly while she is still in an agreeable state of mind!
Finally, in the end, your mother has the right to make her own choices. You cannot make choices for her unless you have legal permission to do so. The only way that one can aggressively intervene and override the choice of another is if the person is declared legally incompetent. You may very well be limited in how much help you can give your mother. Unless she is declared “incompetent,” which is a legal term, you have to respect her right to make her own choices even if the outcome is not good. This is one of the most difficult situations caregivers have to face. You may not be able to secure an ideal outcome for your mother. Sometimes, all we can do is our best.

Caregiving is a tough road with many challenges. You don’t have to do it alone. SeniorCaregiver.info can assist you in finding the resources to meet your needs and the needs of your loved one.

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